Sheepshaggers
Arnold the Derby fan is walking his dog
one day, when he sees an old lamp. He bends down to pick it
up, and starts to rub it to clean it. Suddenly, a genie appears,
and says, "I am the economy-price genie?" I grant but one
wish". Arnold thinks for a while, and then says, "Make my
dog Wanchope, win Crufts." The genie looks at Wanchope and
says, "Don't be stupid, look at the thing. It's mangy, it's
got fleas, it's got a bit missing from one eat it limps and
it smells. I might be a genie, but I'm not a miracle worker."
"All right then," says Arnold, "Make Derby County win the
Premier League." The genie stops for a moment, then says,
"Let's have another look at that dog again.
Two
Derby fans are walking along. One of them picks up a mirror,
looks in it and says, "Hey I know that bloke." The second
one picks it up and says, "Of course you do, you thick git
- its me!"
A
reporter from Central News East is interviewing Jim Smith
and Dave Basset. He first asks Jim what his long term plans
for Derby are. Jim replies, "Well, I see us becoming a good,
average Premiership team, who don't even get involved in relegation
issues." The reporter then puts the same question to Harry,
who answers, "I think that once we secure promotion we will
be able to mount a successful challenge to the Premier League
title. Once in Europe, we will carry off the European cup
for the next five years." "Don't you think that's a little
bit optimistic, Dave?" asks the interviewer, to which our
Harry replies, "Well Jim started it."
Jim
Smith was getting worried that all his players were hopeless,
so he phoned up a decent manager to ask for advice. Dave Bassett
explained that he got all the Forest players to dribble round
cones, thus improving their close ball control. He suggested
Jim try this. Two weeks later, Dave rang back to see how the
Derby players were coping with the new system. When he answered
the phone though Smith was still browned off. "Didn't my suggestion
work?" Asked Harry. "Bloody cones! They beat us 3-0" muttered
Smith.
Arnold,
the Derby fan is sent to Hell for his sins (bestiality mostly).
There he meets the Devil, who asks him, "How art thou finding
the eternal damnation of Hades?" "Not too bad really," says
Arnold. "It's certainly warmer than Derbyshire in February,
quite pleasant really" Satan is very upset that anyone should
actually enjoy Hell, so he orders his demons to turn down
all the heating, until it is so cold that the very air freezes.
He then goes to seek out Arnold who is smiling broadly. "What
art thou doing?" asks Satan. "Is not the bitter cold chilling
thy twisted soul to the bitter core?" "Yes," admits Arnold,
"But I'm still happy, because this weather can only mean one
thing: Derby have at last won the Premier League!"
Q.
What's the best thing to come out of Derby?
A. The A52
What
do you call a Derbyshire man in the quarter / finals of the
cup? Answer... The Referee
Q.
What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Derby?
A. A leisure centre.
Sh*t
on the Villa
How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him
The
seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In
the distance a voice shouts out "Villa are good enough to
win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's
alive!"
A
man desperate at Villa's current situation decides to top
himself. In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself.
At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full
Villa kit as his last statement. A neighbour, catching sight
of the impending incident, informs the police. On arrival,
the police quickly remove the Villa kit and dress the man
in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks
why. The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing
your family."
Gregory
was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car
park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags
of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?"
to which the old lady replied, "no way you got yourself into
this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"
CovScum
Gordon
Strachan is walking into the Building Society and just as
he gets in, he walks slap bang into an armed robber making
a gettaway with some swag.
The
robber clocks Strachan, knocks him out with the back end of
his shotgun and makes a speedy exit. Gordon comes round a
couple of minutes later a little the worse for wear.
'Where
am I?' he mumurs.
'You're
OK Gordon, you're in the Nationwide', replies the spotty assistant
manager.
'Blimey,'
Gordon snorts, getting up quickly, 'is it June already'.
...
and Gordon decides, cos of the shock of the hold-up, he'd
better get home sharpish and have a whisky or two to settle
himself down. Keen to beat the rush hour traffic, Gordon puts
his foot down and speeds off along the fast lane. Moments
later, the traffic police pull him over.
The
officer asks the highly strung ginga fella for his documents.
Clocking that its the famous Mr Strachan, the officer decides
to take pity on the flame- haired shell-suited under-achiever.
'Its
alright Gordon, consider yourself on a final warning, next
time we'll have to book you' the officer explained.
Gordon
looks less than pleased with the caution, puts his head in
his hands and begins to sob softly.
'Whats
the matter?' the bewildered officer enquires.
Gordon
looks up with a tear in his eye and meekly squeals 'Just what
is it I have to do to get 3 points'.
How
many Coventry fans does it take to change a light bulb?
20,002: 1 to change the light bulb, 20,000 to moan about it
and Gordon Strachan to say that if the referee had done his
job properly, the light bulb wouldn't have needed changing
in the first place.
Notts
F£*$%&
Railtrack
have decided to start sponsoring Forest. They think they are
a suitable team because of their regular points failures.
Two
men fishing on a river bank in a remote area of Somerset on
a Saturday afternoon miles away from a radio or tv, suddenly
one man turns to the other and says "F£$*%& have
lost again", the other man was astonished and said "how on
earth do you know that ?" The other man replied "It's quarter
to five."
One NF fan says to his mate, 'What would
you do if you won the lottery?' 'Easy! I'd buy a controlling
interest in Forest" says the mate. 'Yeah, but what if you
got FOUR numbers up?'
Young
niteclubbers were amazed to see Martin O'Neill and John Robertson
out one night early last week enjoying a pint together. Apparently,
one young lady approached O'Neill and said "will you give
me your autograph?" "Of course" replied O'Neill "Sign here
then," she said and lifted here skirt "on me leg here". So
Martin signed, just above her knee where she pointed. Her
friends weren't to be outdone by this so the second one said
"Me too Martin, sign here" she promptly lifts up her t-shirt.
O'Neill of course being a gent duly obliges. The third one
then whips off her knickers, points and says "Sign here" showing
Martin exactly where to sign his name "Sorry," said O'Neill
"but only Ron Atkinson signs twats !"oung niteclubbers were
amazed to see Martin O'Neill and John Robertson out one night
early last week enjoying a pint together. Apparently, one
young lady approached O'Neill and said "will you give me your
autograph?" "Of course" replied O'Neill "Sign here then,"
she said and lifted here skirt "on me leg here". So Marin
signed, just above her knee where she pointed. Her friends
weren't to be outdone by this so the second one said "Me too
Martin, sign here" she promptly lifts up her t-shirt. O'Neill
of course being a gent duly obliges. The third one then whips
off her knickers, points and says "Sign here" showing Martin
exactly where to sign his name "Sorry," said O'Neill "but
only Ron Atkinson signs twats !"
A
couple are in the throes of a divorce, and are attending court
over the custody of their young son. In order to properly
assess the situation, the judge takes the young lad into chambers:-"Would
you like to live with your mother?" asks the judge "No" says
the lad, " she hits me" "Would you like to live with your
father?" asks the judge "No" says the lad again, " he hits
me too!" "Well who would you like to live with?" asks the
judge "I'd like to live with Nottingham Forest Football Club"
says the lad "Nottingham Forest Football Club!" exclaims the
judge, hardly believing his ears "Why on earth would you possibly
want to live with Nottingham Forest Football club?" he asks.
"Cos they never beat anybody!!!"
The
City Ground celebrations were underway on Wednesday when it
was announced that groundsman Steve Welch and his team had
won the National Groundsman of the Year award. They beat off
competition from the other divisional winners - Arsenal, Reading
and Macclesfield at a FA lunch in Windsor. Steve said: "I
came here from Leicester because I knew I'd have an easy job
here. There's so much shit out there on Saturday afternoons
the pitch takes care of itself."
Is
there a team you hate? Maybe you want to give those shaggers
at Derby a roasting or what about Forest? Well now you can
have your chance. Just email [email protected]
with your piss take and we will stick it up here.
Here's
a recent one about Dickov...
Ronaldo,
Luis Figo and Paul Dickov are standing before God at the throne
of Heaven. God looks at them and says;
“Before
granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what
you believe in.“
Addressing
Ronaldo first he asks,
“What
do you believe?“
Ronaldo
looks God in the eye and states passionately,
“I
believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings
such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio
to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to
bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting
their club.“
God
looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left. He then
turns to Luis Figo ,
“And
you, Luis , what do you believe?“
Figo
stands tall and proud,
“I
believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to
life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living
embodiment of these traits.“
God,
moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to
his right. Finally, he turns to Paul Dickov ,
“And
you, Paul , what do you believe?“
“I
believe“ says Dickov “you're sitting in my seat.“
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